Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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