Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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