I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
