I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
