you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
