My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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