Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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