Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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