you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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