I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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