I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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