Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
