While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you didnt know i had herpes?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
