Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
