i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
