I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
