I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
