Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
