I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
