I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
