If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
