I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
