guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
