I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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