he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
