question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
