Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
