Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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