the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
