Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
