Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I am one with the molecules
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
