I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
