Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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