i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
