You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
