I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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