I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
