before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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