Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
