arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
