Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
