Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
