I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can't turn off my feet"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
