He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
