first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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