remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
