when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
