omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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