Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
