I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
