You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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