One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
